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revision plan

For my third essay I really want to make sure my argument is strong and easy to follow. I want the reader to be able to relate to my opinions and to see the direction I want the paper to go in.   I want to reorganize my paper a bit so my ideas make more sense. I originally thought to add some more examples but instead I think I want to focus on the one’s I already have and see if I can add more to them based on the prompt. I think my paper has some good parts but it just needs to be built up more in order for it to be a final paper. I need to work on clearly stating my opinion and not dancing around it, I have to be more direct about my claims.  I think if I read over it a few more times and find what I think needs fixing along with using my peers advice I will have a strong final draft.

Choice Article

My Article is  called “Beauty is in the Brain of the Beholder” and is by Ed Yong. My article talks about the how feelings of beauty are manifested in the brain.  It centers around neuroscience and evolves into more of a conversation regarding how a scientist looks at art and beauty.  It includes how philosophy is included in interpreting beauty.  the article notes that the brain can see different forms of beauty in different ways.  It notes how both auditory and visual senses play a key role in how a viewer sees beauty.  The article uses a painting as an example to explain the theory.

I feel this article will be good to include in my paper because it gives a different perspective on how beauty is interpreted. I can compare and contrast this article with Armstrong’s argument to help get my thesis across. I think my paper is going to center around the importance of perception and interpretation as it relates to beauty and how each individual can have a different interpretation and then I will relate the individual perception to society on a larger scale.

I am going to use my podcast within my paper because I feel the person I interviewed talked about how beauty is in the eye of the beholder and how each person should find their artistic path. I am also going to use Alex and Terry’s podcast because their subject talked about how beauty is related to the self-defintion and once you are content with yourself then you are beautiful and will see beauty. I think this will be good to use within my paper because the podcast talks a lot about interpretation and and that is what I want my paper to focus on.

“To regard beauty as a luxury adornment or a social signifier was to miss the true potential of the experience.”

La Bella Vita Quote

“To regard beauty as a luxury adornment or a social signifier was to miss the true potential of the experience.”

The statement above is true in my opinion. My community, meaning most of my peers view beauty as something that needs to be displayed. Most people are becoming more and more concerned over social media and what it means to be beautiful. Girls post pictures that are edited to make themselves look “better” in order to get more followers and become popular. To me this is stupid. Just be who you are.  It shouldn’t matter what anyone thinks you should be happy with your appearance not change it in a picture to what you think the public deems as acceptable. Body shaming has become a problem that needs to be addressed. No one should feel uncomfortable in their body but unfortunately some due based on society standards. Beauty to mean should not be based on appearance but what is on the inside. Beauty is viewed as a social signifier relating to popularity but it shouldn’t be. Beauty should be considered within art and literature as well as character. If you have a kind beautiful soul then you are beautiful. Beauty is not a luxury in my opinion. Beauty is something to experience and enjoy. To look at something beautiful or to be beautiful yourself is what the true potential of what beauty is.

They Say I Say Chapter

In “They Say I Say” I read a chapter on introduction paragraphs. My main goal of the revision process is to come out with a stronger thesis. To develop a strong thesis you need your introduction paragraph to flow into it. I need to remember to not write the paper in the standard five paragraph format. I have more freedom in this academic essay to really state my opinion. To do this I need to incorporate more background and my own thoughts into my introduction so I can build off them later. After my conference I received helpful information to make a stronger argument that has a better connection to me. My introduction was weak at first now I have a plan to make it stronger.“They Say I say” helps and can be used as helpful hints when you are stuck on how to improve your paper.

Barclay Paragraph

Art is involved in many aspects of live. Art should be considered in STEM because it allows visualization and creativity to follow leading towards stronger innovations. For example, 3D printing has become a huge technique in the medical field over the last few years. When doctors get stumped on a case they print an organ to see the bigger picture so they can find a solution. Here his an example where art helps science. Yo Yo Ma believes that art should be including in STEM to find equilibrium. “The values behind arts integration – collaboration, flexible thinking, and disciplined imagination –lead to the capacity to innovate”.  Art brings more to the table, it allows for people’s minds to grow and to think outside the box to find solutions. Art had power and can be useful in STEM fields. But some disagree and believe STEM should stick to its roots and not explore art. According to Mark B. Boslough, “We should again ask those in Washington to pass along the American tradition of a strong investment in scientific knowledge, and trust in the scientific method, to future generations”. Some believe that art gets in the way of the scientific method. Boslough feels that the STEM world should focus on research and investments but does not want to look beyond the science and the funding. Art and STEM have many parallels that can eventually intersect with one another and lead to greater innovation. 

NAYSAYER

Although some people like, Yo Yo Ma believe that incorporating art with STEM is a good idea some believe the idea does not hold sufficient enough evidence that it will work. Using art with STEM is an unrealistic attempt to strengthen education. Education involving STEM is based on fact and innovation not emotions and feelings that art brings. Some people believe art has no basis being involved in science, technology, engineering, and mathematics  while, Yo Yo Ma states, “the values behind arts, integration-collaborartion, flexible thinking, and disciplined imagination-lead to the capacity to innovate”.  Yo Yo Ma believes that art and the values art spreads can help people become innovative. Yo Yo Ma’s ideals about art and education do not relate to one another that much because in the STEM fields using art will most likely not help people become more innovative, it could backfire and lead education down a bad path. Education and art together have many people conflicted over whether it will be a good idea to infuse them or not.

Quotes

In equation form, Your Apparent Good Achieved minus the Good Your Counterfactual Replacement Would Have Achieved equals Your Actual Good Achieved”. The amount of good a person does should not be calculated it should be done out of kindness not competition. Being able to be replaced by someone who can give more and do more good deeds, does not make people want to stop suffering it takes the point out of doing good away. People express themselves and show they care and want to stop suffering in different ways.The Effective Altruism gives their lives to their cause but they could go about helping the people in better ways. Getting your hands dirty and being on the ground can be more beneficial then just donating money to a charity. Showing the pain of the suffering through media outlets and art is doing a good deed like donating money. 

We can’t erase this history. It’s real. We have to know it. What I’m trying to do, what I’m trying to show you is how to shift your gaze just slightly, just momentarily. I’m trying to answer that question that my son had. Why do some have to walk”? Kaphar looking to the past helps gain knowledge on the present and future. Titus Kaphar wants to amend history and amend means to make minor changes more up-to-date. It’s possible that shifting focus may allow a person to to see the suffering of someone and they can figure out a way to help them. 

Revisions

Before: The Effective Altruism believe in good deeds that help. They believe that if a person does enough good deeds they become good. “In equation form, Your Apparent Good Achieved minus the Good Your Counterfactual Replacement Would Have Achieved equals Your Actual Good Achieved”. The amount of good a person does should not be calculated it should be done out of kindness not competition. Being able to be replaced by someone who can give more and do more good deeds, does not make people want to stop suffering it takes the point out of doing good away. People who express themselves and show the care and want to stop suffering in different ways. Showing the pain of the suffering through media outlets and art is doing a good deed like donating money. The good artists bring to the table is not the same as donating a lot of money but it can be more impactful on others. Art shows emotions and allows the public to form opinions. Progressive art is helpful but the EAs still believe it is a waste.

After: The Effective Altruism believe in good deeds that help the suffering world. They believe that if a person does enough good deeds they become good. “In equation form, Your Apparent Good Achieved minus the Good Your Counterfactual Replacement Would Have Achieved equals Your Actual Good Achieved”. The amount of good a person does should not be calculated it should be done out of kindness not competition. Being able to be replaced by someone who can give more and do more good deeds, does not make people want to stop suffering it takes the point out of doing good away. People express themselves and show they care and want to stop suffering in different ways. Getting your hands dirty and being on the ground can be more beneficial then just donating money to a charity. Showing the pain of the suffering through media outlets and art is doing a good deed like donating money. The good artists bring to the table is not the same as donating a lot of money but it can be more impactful on others. Art shows emotions and allows the public to form opinions. Progressive art is helpful but the EAs still believe it is a waste.

Before: The Ted Talk, “how can we address centuries of racism in art” by Titus Kaphar makes the point of showing how art can allow personal connections.  Kaphar told a story of how his nine year old son asked why the Native American and African American had to walk while the white man could ride the horse. He noticed this while looking at a sculpture. That piece of art says a lot about American History and can start conversations and questions. Children even form questions and opinions by looking at artwork. While looking at the painting Titus Kaphar took apart the painting and explained how we could learn things from it. For example, he talked about how our eyes are trained to look at the white male first and see the women and her clothing to judge the status of the family. But the viewers eyes ignore the African American child who is placed further back in the painting, hidden like a shadow. Kaphar explains how the public can learn about the white people in the painting but the painting tells us nothing about the boy and his life.  Kaphar talks about how painting is a language and that in paintings are coded and meaningful messages.

After: The Ted Talk, “how can we address centuries of racism in art” by Titus Kaphar makes the point of showing how art can allow personal connections. Art impacts people through emotions and how an image makes you feel. Kaphar told a story of how his nine year old son asked why the Native American and African American had to walk while the white man could ride the horse. He noticed this while looking at a sculpture. That piece of art says a lot about American History and can start conversations and questions. Children even form questions and opinions by looking at artwork. While looking at the painting Titus Kaphar took apart the painting and explained how we could learn things from it. For example, he talked about how our eyes are trained to look at the white male first and see the women and her clothing to judge the status of the family. But the viewers eyes ignore the African American child who is placed further back in the painting, hidden like a shadow. Kaphar explains how the public can learn about the white people in the painting but the painting tells us nothing about the boy and his life.  Art history is powerful and it makes people think of the past, present and future. Art leads to questions and allows for conversations that approach change. Kaphar talks about how painting is a  language and that in paintings are coded and meaningful messages.

in these two body paragraph I tried to add in my own opinions through my writing and added better analysis points.

 

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